Use jealousy to improve your sex life

MH sex columnist Nichi Hodgson reveals how unleashing jealousy can lead to greater passion in your relationship
 
Sexual jealousy, prevailing wisdom tells us, is a toxic weed. Unless it’s rooted out, it will suffocate and poison your relationship, turning passion into paranoia. Yet some people get off on jealousy. They cultivate it and feed on it to get more from their sex life.
The most extreme example of this is cuckolding porn, in which one partner has sex with someone else, while the other looks on. During my brief stint as a professional dominatrix, this was a commonly requested scenario. Clients would book me (and often, a hot male assistant) to pretend to be his wife or girlfriend, then force him to watch another man pleasure me.
As crazy as it sounds, the cuckolded got off on the feelings of uncontrollable jealousy and betrayal. For me, the cuckolder, the sense of being multiply desired gave me a generous ego boost. It can work the other way, too – your partner might actually enjoy watching you with another woman. Might.
But we’re talking extremes here, and you don’t have to go nearly that far to make jealousy work for you. We all feel jealous from time to time and playing with those feelings can be exciting. In ‘jealousy play’, the aim is to push your partner to the edge of erotic distance from you, before drawing them back again – more lustful than ever.
Let’s say you’re sick of hearing about your girlfriend’s handsome colleague. Make a point of mentioning every woman you have a flirtatious interaction with for a week. A taste of her own green-eyed medicine will either send her sidling up to you as she reasserts her commitment or, even better, it will morph into a complex erotic game that revolves around slowly turning up the dial on each other’s jealousy.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN

To take it further, go to a bar and allow one another to flirt and be flirted with. Make a pact that the one who secures the most attention has to ‘apologise’ to the other however the victor sees fit once you’re home. To make it authentic, don’t let the people you flirt with know about the game. This co-conspiratorial element will cement your loyalty to one another; when you dump the woman you’ve been chatting to and take your girl home, she’ll want you like never before. And given that it’s easier for women to secure attention from men, you can also prepare yourself for ‘compensation’.
Figure out the finer details before you leave the house: is it OK to accept drinks, for example? And what if your partner becomes the subject of repeated advances? If at any time your jealousy starts to overwhelm, remember: someone else’s appreciation of your partner confirms your status, too. In a long-term relationship, these games resurrect the sense of a chase. You can play hard-to-get with one another again. Plus it provides flirts like me with an ego-stroking fix.

FANTASY FICTION

If you prefer visual stimulation, stick on some mutually enticing porn and work the characters into your dynamic. Cuckolding scenes might seem like the obvious choice but a solo-show or clips featuring couples, where you’re able to more readily imagine the participants stepping into your own scene, will generally work better. One of the most outrageous nights I ever had was when I told a casual hook-up that his oral skills were inferior to that of the last guy I’d slept with. He spent the next six hours begging to differ. Of course, playing this card can easily backfire. It worked for us because I already knew the guy in question – I knew he’d respond well to the challenge. Many men would just have been insulted. So if you’re going to play the game, everyone needs to be happy with the rules before you start. Trying it out on the next beautiful woman you secure for a one-night stand is highly unlikely to have the desired effect.
For all its negative potential, jealousy is a healthy human response to competition. It gives you an opportunity to remind yourself and your partner of just how highly you value them, of their erotic standing and of your own. The game is designed to affirm, rather than question, the connection between you. That said, the degree of jealousy it’s wise to provoke in one another very much depends on your emotional and physical proximity. A long-distance relationship, for example, is generally being tested enough. Hinting to a partner thousands of miles away that you might be up to no good with Holly from the bank is only for the most robust of relationships.
Occasionally of course, a sensation of jealousy can be a rightful gut reaction to another’s suspicious behaviour or infidelity. In this case you may find yourself unwittingly cast in the role of real-life cuckold. Only, in those circumstances, it’s just plain cheating. Jealousy play is all about invoking that fire – with none of the fall out.

THE RULES OF JEALOUSY PLAY

1 Don't tell your friends about it The involved may view your dynamic as an opportunity for them to explore their own fantasies. Keep your games removed from your everyday lives.
2 Watch porn for inspiration But never put your relationship under the strain of acting out cuckolding scenarios for real. Just get a sense of what themes work for the two of you.
3 Experiment with role play In turn, describe a scenario where the other partner sleeps with another person. Always use distant fantasy figures and never people you know.
4 The cuckolded calls the shots Not the cuckolder. Letting them set the boundaries ensures nobody gets hurt when any genuine insecurities are trampled on by mistake.
5 Never do it when arguing Only play when you’re on good terms with each other. And never reference any past infidelities. That’s not fun – it’s mental torture.

Make the best move from best mate to bed mate

Advertise

No, not in the small ads. “Think of your approach as an ad campaign,” says Kezia Noble, a dating coach at seduction bootcamp puatraining.com. “You already have the basis for a great relationship. Her desire to buy into it may not have developed yet, but you’re in the perfect position to research your target market. Work out how her most recent exes differ from you and what you have in common to get an idea of the sort of guy she wants to date. Developing a whole new personality will never work long term, so simply enhance the good traits you share with them.” Within reason; you’ve seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

Don’t be a girl

“If you’re interacting with her on a similar level as her girlfriends, that’s how she’ll inevitably see you,” warns Dr John Gray, author of When Mars And Venus Collide (Harper). “Set yourself apart by politely challenging rather than agreeing with her, and by holding back. Women make the mental shift from friend to lover far more slowly than men so you’ll need to pull away from her to speed up the process. Don’t talk on the phone every night, and cut down the amount of time you spend together. This will turn you in her mind from part of the furniture to someone she misses and wants to see.” Yes, possibly without any clothes on.

Wipe your slate clean

“If you’ve ever treated an ex badly and she knows about it, that’s three strikes before you’ve even stepped up to the plate,” warns Noble. “Take her out for coffee (University of Queensland research found that drinking coffee makes people more open to persuasion) and lament your single status. When she scoffs, explain past behaviour by saying your ex destroyed your confidence with nasty remarks, or wasn’t looking for something serious so you never really felt an emotional connection. Then stress you are a changed man; you’ve learnt the hard way.” White lies are always better than the white flag.

Prime her to want you

“Subconsciously make her see herself as your potential girlfriend by talking about the traits you like in a woman that she obviously has,” says Richard La Ruina, author of The Natural Art of Seduction (Pennant). “At the last minute, turn it around by saying that obviously she is out of the question due to her abrasive personality or lack of ambition. This will set her a challenge – she’ll want you to want her so she’ll up her game.”

Double up

“When you go out, rewire the way she views your relationship by using your surroundings,” says Noble. “Go out for a meal with ‘a couple of friends’, who should turn out to be together. She’ll subconsciously view you as her date, embedded even further by the romantic cues from the restaurant atmosphere and the displays of affection from the other couple.” NB. If keys are thrown on the table at the end of the night, leave.

The eyes have it

“Apply pupilometrics: when you are around her, ensure it’s in low lighting. It will make your pupils automatically enlarge, the same thing that happens when you desire someone,” says body language expert Sam Van Rood, author of Teach Yourself Flirting (Teach Yourself Books). “This works because we are wired to be attracted to people who are attracted to us.” At the same time, think about what it will be like when you eventually get her into bed. Your pupils will grow even larger and your testosterone levels will rise. “She won’t know why, but she’ll be able to sense a shift in the atmosphere and will feel more attracted to you as a result,” says Van Rood. Best to avoid any heavy breathing at this stage though…

Make her provider

Now it’s her turn to woo you; she just doesn’t know it yet. “Stop treating her and get her to treat you,” advises Tracey Cox, author of Superflirt (Dorling Kindersley). “This works on two levels: first, when you do something nice for somebody else your oxytocin (bonding) hormones are given a boost. Secondly, to justify the effort or expense, she’ll subconsciously over-idealise your worth.” Or ask you to pay half the bill later…

Go for the jackpot

“Show her the balance has shifted,” says Dr Dennis Neder, author of Being A Man In A Woman’s World (Remington). “Make sure you give her at least a goodnight kiss. If you don't do this starting with your very first date, you're back to square one. In fact, you're worse-off than before. If she baulks, you have two choices: accept it and get scarce, or begin working to counter her reluctance. Tell her, “I understand you don't see me this way yet, but I think we should give it a shot.” Reassure her that you have stayed friends with all your exes to remove any fear that should this not work out you’ll lose a great friendship.”

The aftermath

A Penn State University study showed that while 67% of women had slept with a friend only half of these women were interested in pursuing a relationship afterwards. “Make sure you don’t slip back into old behavioural patterns, especially in the first few weeks when she has less of an emotional connection to you,” warns La Ruina. “Continue to date in places with romantic connotations such as the theatre or restaurants to enforce this. Avoid simply ‘hanging out’.” (There are laws against things like that.) And if that fails it's time to visit theSolutions BD Sex Tips Zone.

How to be great lover : She isn't doing what you want in bed? Here's how to persuade her

 

She never initiates sex

First the good news. In surveys, two-thirds of women say they initiate sex “sometimes”. The bad news is that she counts hair-flicking as initiation. At least once every few weeks it’d be nice to have our shirts torn apart by someone other than the dry-cleaner.
The solution: Show her a sign. “One of the reasons she may have stopped approaching you is because of her fear of rejection,” says Janice Hiller, a clinical psychologist specialising in psychosexual therapy. Men can usually weather sexual rejection – quickly planning the next seduction - but women fear it, so you’ll need to do what women do when they want sex: send out subtle signals.This will create an atmosphere where she’s pretty sure she won’t be rejected.
This signalling business isn’t as difficult as you might think; women have being doing it for years. We’re not suggesting you parade around in tonga briefs but rather act in such a way that she’s pretty sure she won’t get a terse ‘No’. “That could be as simple as lounging around in a bathrobe after a shower, or dimming the lights and playing her favourite sexy music,” says Hiller. The key is in creating a relaxed but suggestive atmosphere conducive for the playing of your favourite game.

Sex is long and silent

For most of us, hearing our partner in the throes of passion is one of the best aphrodisiacs there is. Not only does it mean she’s enjoying herself, it means we’re doing something right. Sadly though, not all women respond to orgasms in the style of Meg Ryan.
The solution: Encourage by example. “Make the kind of sounds of satisfaction that you’d like to hear,” suggests Hiller. “That way you’re giving her permission to gasp and moan too.” And ask her questions about how much she likes what you’re doing to her or get her to explain what she’s going to do to you. “That, in itself, can be incredibly arousing,” says Hiller.

She hides her body

It’s a common gripe. You think she’s gorgeous; she thinks she’s a Gorgon. Before you know it, she’s unscrewed the bedroom lightbulb. And for men who get turned on by visual stimuli (ie all of us) that’s very bad news indeed.
The solution: Worship her. But before you do, make sure you’re not inadvertently making the problem worse. Ask yourself, do you often talk about the physical attractiveness of other women when she’s around? If so, start censoring yourself now.
Even if you’re not comparing them to your partner, if she’s insecure to start off with she’ll think you are.  Tanya Woolf, a psychotherapist specialising in sex and relationships at London Psychotherapy Associates, recommends you reassure your partner that you like her exactly the way she is. “Emphasise that you like her exact shape and size, and that you find her attractive,” she says. If your partner tends to turn complaints into criticisms, miraculously translating “your boobs look great” into “but your backside’s huge”, use actions rather than words to reassure her. “Kiss and stroke parts of her body you know she doesn’t like,” says Woolf. “The message should get through eventually.”

She’s squeamish about oral

Maybe she’s shy. Maybe she doesn’t know what you like. Maybe she thinks fellatio is a character out of Hamlet.
The solution: Give her a hand. If anyone knows how to get women to enjoy fellatio it’s Lou Paget, author of How to Be a Great Lover (Piatkus Books), who gives regular seminars on oral sex technique. “When your partner starts giving you oral sex, take her hands off your thighs and hold them with yours - she’ll like that - then guide her hands to your penis so they form a tube around it,” she suggests.
As her mouth goes up and down, rotate her hands clockwise and anti-clockwise.” The bonus for you: different tactile sensations make it feel even better than common-or-garden oral sex. The bonus for her is smooth sailing. Her hands will act like a bumper between the three inches of her mouth and the five inches plus of your penis.
One other piece of advice... do the gentlemanly thing and shower beforehand - most women feel a lot more comfortable about oral intimacy when they know the old persuader has been carefully and lovingly washed.

She won’t experiment

When you first started seeing her she was the one with the new moves and techniques. How you’re some kind of sexual Henry Higgins to your fair lady.
The solution: Open your mouth. “It might seem like a novel idea,” says Woolf, “but sometimes you’ve just got to ask for what you want.” To prevent being knocked back she recommends turning your requests into a game. “Suggest that you alternate weeks of who’s responsible for coming up with ideas, fantasies and new positions. This way your partner won’t feel criticised.” If she gets stuck, there’s a plethora of books, magazines and videos available for you both to browse.

She doesn’t come often

Frequent orgasms don’t just make her feel good; they act as a marker for your sexual performance. The fewer she has, the further you feel yourself falling down the lovers’ league table.
The solution: Head south. The good news is at least 90% of women who have never had an orgasm will be able to have one - and if they have one, they may even be able to have multiple orgasms. Mantak Chia, sex therapist and co-author of The Multi-Orgasmic Couple(Thorsons), says men should keep their sexual repertoire varied if they want to encourage their partners to orgasm - and devote time to oral sex.
One study found women who experience multiple orgasms usually have the first orgasm after cunnilingus, rather than intercourse or manual pleasures. The tongue is the perfect instrument for stimulating the clitoris. Having varied sex - cunnilingus, followed by intercourse, with simultaneous stimulation - was also a common denominator among these women.  “Another good tip is to suggest she goes on top when it comes to intercourse,” says Chia. “If she can control matters, the likelihood of her coming will be far greater.”

She won’t share her fantasies

You’ve always wanted to try that thing with the Spacehopper and the spatula – haven’t we all? – but it’s not the easiest thing to slip into a conversation.
The solution: Break it to her gently. “You could start her off with clues to the kind of thing you like,” suggests Hogan. “Then she’s less likely to freak out when you do let her in on your fantasy.” When you feel the time is right to say you want to be wrapped in clingfilm/have her dress as your primary school teacher/wear her lingerie, Hogan says you should be careful to use ‘I’ statements. For example, “I would really like it if you could?”, as opposed to “You should wear this/do this to turn me on”. That way she’s less likely to feel it’s her fault if she doesn’t want to play.

"Before you even open your mouth, think to yourself: ‘What’s in it for her?’ Can it be sensual and enjoyable for her, rather than just weird or indulgent for you?” asks Hogan. “ Remember also that some fantasies aren’t meant to be acted out - they’re impractical, maybe even dangerous - so set limits from the outset. Finally, if she does agree to get involved, always be sure to say you appreciate the fact that she gave it a go - whether it works out or not.”
Words by Lucy Lam
Photograph by Komilov Oleg

Foods for harder erections

Eat these foods for better erections
  

Coffee

The caffeine kick from a cup of Java boosts your metabolism, gets your blood pumping and could also enhance endurance by releasing fat stores, giving you the energy to last all night.

Oysters

Yes, there is a reason for their sexy reputation. Oysters are rich in the mineral zinc and vitamin B6, both of which are vital for testosterone, without which you’d have the sex drive of a dead slug. If the thought of grey shellfish gloop sliding down your throat makes you gag, boost your testosterone with nuts and seeds instead.

Chillies

Spice up your love life with chillies. When your face flushes after eating a curry, that’s the blood vessels expanding thanks to the effect of the chillies. And it’s not just the blood vessels in your face that get the boost. Biologically speaking a hard-on is simple hydraulics – more liquid (blood) being forced into little tubes (blood vessels) in your penis – so what you need is a strong heart and smooth, healthy pipework.

Bananas

Hard men have healthy hearts, so eat bananas for potassium, which is great for your heart and circulation. Getting enough potassium helps keep your sodium levels under control, stopping your blood pressure from hitting the roof and reducing your risk of heart problems. If you eat too much salt and don’t like bananas, get your potassium from oranges or jacket potatoes (the mineral’s in the skin).

Salmon

The omega-3 fatty acids in oily fish make the blood less sticky, enhancing blood flow to the parts that matter. Eat fish like salmon, mackerel, trout and fresh tuna twice a week to keep your arteries well-oiled.

Pork

Contrary to popular belief, the penis does not have a mind of its own. To make it a fine and upstanding specimen, your neurons must be co-ordinated with military precision. You need thiamine, aka vitamin B1, for a healthy nervous system, so eat pork to help fire your swimmers in the right direction. Can’t or don’t eat pig? Get your B from beans and wholemeal bread.

Cherries

Cherries are packed full of anthocyanins, colourful plant chemicals which protect your artery walls, helping prevent the fatty plaques that lead to atherosclerosis, or clogged arteries. Don’t fancy cherries? Berries, or brightly coloured fruit such as peaches, nectarines and plums, will all keep your arteries smooth as a baby’s nether regions.

Onions

The phytochemical allicin in onions and garlic thins the blood and enhances your circulation, as well as making it less likely to clot and clog. Avoid unsexy onion-breath by chewing parsley or peppermints.

Wine

Wine – especially red wine – is a great source of the antioxidant phytochemical resveratrol, which helps open the arteries by enhancing the production of nitric oxide. Nitric oxide allows the blood vessels to expand, and this is how Viagra works. But while the little blue pill only works on tiny blood vessels, resveratrol helps your main arteries too. Make sure you stop at one or two glasses of wine – too much alcohol leads to the dreaded droop.

Porridge

Porridge isn’t sexy, but the soluble fibre in oatmeal mops up cholesterol, helping keep your blood vessels smooth and stretchy. So get your oats!

Get longer-lasting erections more often

A stiff Martini

Erectile dysfunction affects over 5.6 million men in the UK, with 40% of guys over the age of 40 regularly feeling a little "down". You can guard against frustrating detumescence by oiling the pipes with a Martini. The natural oil in olives is rich in the "good" (monounsaturated) fats also found in avocados, peanuts and oily fish. A study in the Journal Of Applied Physiologyfound that men with more "good" oil in their diets had higher testosterone levels and a stronger sex drive. 

The Second University of Naples also discovered that the improved circulation encouraged by the monounsaturated Martini garnish improved erection strength and regularity by 30%. Plus, it reduces your risk of heart disease. But please, just watch out for the gin, won't you? After all, you want the ladies to be stirred, not shaken. 

Net cost 
Jumbo green olives, £3.75 for 250g, luigismailorder.com

Net gain 
Be 30% harder 30% more often and stick one up at the stats trying to bring you down.

Alcohol and sex

Alcohol can make you do things you'll regret, including having sex. Find out the risks, and how you can keep yourself safer. 
Alcohol changes the way you act, and affects your decision making. The more you drink, the less careful you are, and this can have serious consequences when it comes to sex and your personal safety.

TIPS FOR STAYING SAFE

If you’re planning to drink alcohol, follow these tips to keep safe:

• Stick with friends. Don’t go to parties alone, and ask your friends to watch out for you if you’re drinking alcohol. You can watch out for them too if they’re drinking.
• Always travel home with your friends, and never take an unlicensed cab – this is like getting into a car with a stranger. Keep the telephone number of a licensed taxi firm with you. Don’t drive if you've been drinking. 
• Never leave drinks unattended or accept drinks from people you don’t know, in case someone puts drugs in them. 
• Make decisions when you’re sober. Before you start drinking, talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend about your boundaries (what you do and don’t want to do), so that you don’t get carried away and regret it later.
• Be prepared. If you’re ready to have sex, sort out your contraception before you go out drinking, and always carry a condom. Find out more about all the methods of contraception and where you can get them.

ALCOHOL, SEX AND MAKING DECISIONS 

Alcohol can affect your judgement. You might become more easy to influence when it comes to sex. You can make rash decisions, such as having unprotected sex, which can lead to unintended pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections (STIs), such as chlamydia.
Alcohol might calm your nerves, but it doesn't make sex easier or better, particularly if it's your first time. Being drunk can make you feel confused or ill, which can make the experience unpleasant.
If you’re drunk, you might not even remember having sex. And you're more likely to regret it, especially if it’s your first time.

IS SEX SAFE WHEN YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING?

It's not safe if you don't use a condom. Alcohol stops you making sensible decisions such as using a condom, which is the only way to protect yourself from pregnancyand STIs. Not using a condom puts you at a greater risk of both. 
If you’re drunk, you’re less likely to be thinking clearly enough to talk to your partner about using condoms, or to use condoms properly. Find out tips on using condoms. 
If you or your partner take the contraceptive pill and alcohol makes you sick, the pill is less likely to work and there's a real risk of pregnancy. Find out what to do if you're on the pill and you're sick. 

EMERGENCY ACTION

If you have unprotected sex, you can lower your chances of having an unintended pregnancy by getting emergency contraception from your local clinic or GP. 
The emergency pill (also known as the 'morning-after' pill) can be used up to 72 hours (three days) after unprotected sex, but it's more effective the sooner it’s taken. A doctor or nurse can help you to get tested for STIs. Find sexual health services near you, including contraceptive clinics. 
If you or someone you know is having problems due to alcohol or drug use, you can get help. Visit Talk to Frank for help and advice, or call 0800 776600.

SEXUAL ASSAULT

Being drunk makes you vulnerable to sexual assault. This can happen to anyone, however old or young they are, and whether they’re male, female, gay, straight or bisexual. If someone tries to have sex with you and you don't want to do it, you always have the right to say no, whether you’re drunk or not. 
Find out where to get help if you've been sexually assaulted. 

It’s OK to say no to Sex

Don’t feel awkward about saying no to sex (or kissing, touching or any other sexual activity). 'No' is an important word in sex and relationships. Find out how you can say no.
Nobody has the right to make you go further than you want to. You also have every right to say no, at any point, whoever you're with. If you want to have sex but your boyfriend or girlfriend or friend doesn’t, you must respect their feelings.
First time or not

You might think from what you hear from friends that all young people are having sex. But the average age for having sex for the first time is 16, and not everyone does it at that age. Some people wait until they’re older.

So you’re not the only one saying no. Even if you’ve had sex before, this doesn’t mean you have to do it again. It’s up to you every time.

When you meet someone you like, it might take weeks, months or even years before you’re both ready for sex. Take it slow, and think about your feelings, as well as theirs. Never rush or push each other into it.

Try talking about the relationship. Communicating helps you to know when the time is right, and to know exactly how you both feel, rather than guessing.
How to say no

People who want to have sex might say things to try to get you into bed. Here are some ideas of what you can say in return:

They say: "Don’t you fancy me?"
You say: "Yes, but I respect you too," or "You’re gorgeous but I want to know you better."

They say: "My friends think we should have done it by now."
You say: "They don’t know what’s best for us," or "You should care more about what I think."

They say: "We don’t need to use a condom."  
You say: "I’m not ready to be a parent and I don’t want to risk getting an infection."

They say: "Let’s just get it over with."
You say: "If we wait until we’re ready it’ll be much better."

They say: "If you loved me you’d want to do it."
You say: "It’s because I love you that I want to wait," or "If you loved me you wouldn’t say that."

They say: "If we don’t do it soon, I’ll explode!"
You say: "You need biology lessons...it’s not bad for you to wait."

They say: "But you’re 16."
You say: "Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean I have to. I’ll decide when I’m ready."

If you both agree to have sex, make sure that:

    you use condoms to protect yourselves from STIs
    you use contraception to help prevent an unintended pregnancy – find out about the 15 methods of contraception

Practise saying no 

It might sound strange, but try practising saying no:

    "No, I’m not ready."
    "No, I don’t want to."
    "No, it doesn’t feel right."

Or simply:

    "No." 

If you don’t want to have sex, anyone who really likes you will respect your decision even if you’ve had sex with them before.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend says something like, "If you loved me you’d do it", don’t fall for it. It’s emotional blackmail. However much you love or like them, you don't have to have sex with them to prove it.
Sexual assault

A sexual assault can range from inappropriate touching to a life-threatening attack. It's a myth that victims of sexual assault always look battered and bruised. A sexual assault may not leave any outward signs, but it's still a crime. 

Victims are most likely to be young women aged 16 to 24. But men and women of any age, race, ability or sexuality can be assaulted. This could be by a stranger or, much more likely, someone you know. It could be a partner, former partner, husband, relative, friend or colleague. Don’t be afraid to get help.

Find out where to get help after a sexual assault.

You can read a leaflet called Coping with sexual assault: a guide for young people (PDF, 2.5MB).
Domestic violence

Domestic violence is when one person in a relationship is abusive towards another. This could be emotional, physical or sexual abuse, including forcing you into sexual activity against your will.

If this has happened to you, help is available. 

Women's sexual health: Talking about your sexual needs

Women's sexual health, like men's, is important to overall emotional and physical well-being. And achieving a healthy and satisfying sex life doesn't happen by magic. It takes self-reflection and candid communication. Although talking about sexuality can be difficult, it's a topic well worth addressing. Follow this guide to discussing women's sexual health concerns and promoting sexual enjoyment. 

A BIT ABOUT WOMEN'S SEXUAL HEALTH

Many people think that sex starts with physical desire, which leads to arousal and then orgasm. Although this may be true for men, research suggests that women's sexual responses may be more complex. For many women, physical desire is not always the starting point. A woman may be motivated to have sex to feel close to her partner or to show her feelings. 
What it means to be sexually fulfilled may differ for men and women, and even among women. For example, some women say the pleasure of arousal is sufficient, while others want to experience orgasm. If you have concerns about your sex life, or you just want to find ways to enhance it, a good first step is talking with your partner. 

WOMEN'S SEXUAL HEALTH: START BY TALKING ABOUT YOUR NEEDS

You may feel uncomfortable talking about your sexual experiences and desires; however, your partner can't read your mind. Sharing your thoughts and expectations about your sexual experiences can bring you closer together and help you experience greater sexual enjoyment. To get started: 

• Admit your discomfort. If you feel anxious, say so. Opening up about your concerns may help you start the conversation.
• Start talking. Once you begin the conversation, your confidence and comfort level may increase.
• Set a time limit. Avoid overwhelming each other with a lengthy talk. By devoting 15-minute conversations to the topic, you might find it easier to stay within your emotional comfort zones.
• Talk regularly. Your conversations about sexual experiences and desires will get easier the more you talk.
• Use a book or movie. Invite your partner to read a book about women's sexual health, or recommend chapters or sections that highlight your questions and concerns. You might also use a movie scene as a starting point for a discussion.

• WOMEN'S SEXUAL HEALTH: TALKING ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL NEEDS

  TOPICS TO ADDRESS WITH YOUR PARTNER

  When you're talking to your partner about your sexual needs, try to be specific. Consider addressing these topics: 
• Time. Are you setting aside enough time for intimacy? If not, what can you do to change things?
• Romance. Is it missing? How can you reignite it? How can romance set the stage for sexual intimacy?
• Pleasure. What gives you individual and mutual enjoyment? Be open to hearing your partner's requests and negotiating differences if one of you is uncomfortable with the other's request.
• Routine vs. rut. Has sex become too routine or predictable? What changes might you make? For instance, explore different times to have sex or try new techniques. Consider more cuddling, a sensual massage, masturbation, oral sex or the use of a vibrator — depending on what interests you.
• Emotional intimacy. Sex is more than intercourse. Remind each other that it's also an opportunity for emotional connection, which builds closeness in a relationship.
• Physical and emotional changes. Are physical changes, such as an illness, weight gain, changes after surgery or hormonal changes, affecting your sex life? Also address emotional factors that may be interfering with your ability to enjoy sexual activity, such as being under stress or feeling depressed.
• Beliefs. Discuss your beliefs and expectations about sexuality. Consider whether misconceptions — such as the idea that women become less sexual after menopause — are affecting your sex life.

HOW TO HANDLE DIFFERING SEXUAL NEEDS

Sexual needs vary. Many factors can affect your sexual appetite, from stress, illness and aging to family, career and social commitments. Whatever the cause, differences in sexual desire between partners can sometimes lead to feelings of isolation or resentment. Talk to your partner about: 

• Your intimacy needs. If your emotional needs aren't being met, you may be less interested in sex. Think about what your partner could do to enhance your emotional intimacy — and talk about it openly and honestly.
• Your differences in sexual desire. In any long-term relationship, couples may experience differing levels of sexual desire. Discuss your differences and try to explore options that will satisfy both of you.

WHEN TO TALK WITH YOUR DOCTOR

If your difficulty persists, consider turning to a doctor or sex therapist for help. If you take medications and are concerned about your level of desire, review your medications with your doctor. If a particular medication is affecting your comfort with sex or desire for sex, your doctor may be able to suggest an alternative. Likewise, if a physical symptom — such as vaginal dryness — is interfering with your sexual enjoyment, ask about treatment options. For example, a lubricant or other medication can help with vaginal dryness associated with hormonal changes or other factors. 
Likewise, if a physical symptom — such as vaginal dryness — is interfering with your sexual enjoyment, ask about treatment options. For example, a lubricant or other medication can help with vaginal dryness associated with hormonal changes or other factors.

Is it harmful to have sex if I have a vaginal infection?

That depends on the cause of your vaginal infection. Medically speaking, it's OK to have sex when you have a vaginal infection (vaginitis) if the cause isn't sexually transmitted. But what it really comes down to is a matter of your comfort — intercourse might be quite uncomfortable or even painful if you have an active vaginal infection. 
The most common causes of vaginal infection are: 

• Yeast infection (candidiasis)
• Bacterial vaginosis
• Trichomoniasis

Yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis aren't sexually transmitted. Avoiding intercourse won't help your infection clear any sooner. However, trichomoniasis is usually sexually transmitted. In that case, it's a good idea to avoid intercourse until you and your partner have completed treatment and your symptoms have cleared to minimize your risk of reinfection.

I'm a 76-year-old woman and haven't been sexually active in many years. Is it too late to resume sexual activity?

You can resume sexual activity at any time, as long as you're willing to invest a little time and patience. 
With age, the vagina and vaginal opening often become smaller and the vaginal lining becomes thinner — especially when estrogen levels are low. As a result, it can take longer for the vagina to swell and lubricate during sexual arousal. Together these changes can make sex painful. 
To make sex more comfortable: 

• Begin with foreplay. Foreplay helps stimulate natural lubrication.
• Ensure proper lubrication. Try an over-the-counter lubricant, such as Astroglide or K-Y lubricating jelly. If sex remains painful, ask your doctor about vaginal estrogen therapy — available as a vaginal cream, tablet or ring — or other treatment options.
• Try various positions. After a long period of abstinence, it may take time to stretch the vagina so that it can accommodate a penis. Experiment with new positions to find what feels best.
• Ask your doctor about a vaginal dilator. A dilator is a smooth plastic tube you can use to gently stretch your vaginal tissues. Your doctor can help you choose the correct size. He or she may recommend placing the dilator in your vagina for several minutes at a time, several times a week. You may also choose to use a vibrator several times a week for the same effect.

In addition, keep in mind the need to practice safe sex — especially with a new partner. There's no age limit for sexually transmitted infections. Use a condom every time you have sex, and discuss testing for sexually transmitted infections with your partner. 
Finally, remember that there's more to sex than intercourse. Activities such as talking, touching and kissing can help promote intimacy and lead to sexual satisfaction.

How To Get Bigger Boobs Naturally? - 3 Proven Methods To Get Bigger Breasts

How to get bigger boobs naturally is a question that many women with small breasts often ask. Do you also have small breasts and you have the same question? Fortunately, there are a number of “natural” methods that you can use to increase the size of your breasts in the complete privacy and comfort of your home. Here I’m going to share some of the most effective ways that you can use to make your breasts larger without taking pills and without undergoing surgery. Before I tell you these ways, I’d like to mention here that I have personally used these methods and they really worked for me. You need to be determined and healthy in order for these methods to work for you. Let’s have a look on these methods onhow to get bigger boobs naturally.

 1: Fenugreek For Bigger Boobs

The development, shape, size and fullness of your breasts depend on the secretion of estrogen that is released during puberty. It is secreted inside your body through a natural process during puberty. If this enzyme is secreted in lower amounts, this low secretion resultsin small and less developed boobs. One of the most effective and proven methods to make your breasts larger is the use of Fenugreek. Fenugreek stimulates breast growth in two distinct ways:

1. By mimicking the great effects of estrogen
2. By triggering prolactin production

 

Click Here To Get A Detailed Guide To Increase Your Breast Size By 2 Cup Sizes

Both estrogen and prolactin, are very important to the development of breasts naturally. Fenugreek naturally and safely triggers tissue growth resulting in bigger, fuller and firmer breasts. You can either take Fenugreek capsules orally or use Fenugreek extract externally on your breasts to make your breasts larger naturally. Fenugreek alone can help you get bigger breasts effortlessly. I have tried this method and it works. You can find complete details about how to use Fenugreek’s capsule, beverages and extract to increase the size of your boobs in this guide.

2: Use Amino Acids To Boost Natural Breast Growth

One of the crucial things that every woman needs to have bigger and firmer breasts is growth hormone. Without enough growth hormone, your boobs will not respond to any method that you are using to increase the size of your breasts. Unfortunately, the levels of growth hormones begin to decrease by age 25. It means that if you have smaller breasts and you are 25 years or older, you’ll find it very difficult to get good results from your efforts, regardless of the method you are using. Fortunately, there is a valid and highly effective solution to this annoying problem. This solution is amino acids.

Growth hormone is a protein and amino acids are the building blocks of protein. You can boost growth hormone secretion inside your body by adding specific amino acids to your system. In this way, you can speed up the natural process of breast growth. To know more about what type of amino acids you should take, check this.

 3: Avoid Toxins If You Want Bigger Boobs

There are many products that contain harmful toxins that can limit breast growth. For example, there are underarm deodorants that contain aluminum salts, along with other harmful chemicals. Aluminum salt is basically a heavy metal and it can enter into your lymph systems and bloodstream through skin. It has a bad effect on your immune system. There are some other artificial chemicals, such as chemicals that are found in household cleaners, fertilizers, and pesticides. These chemicals can imitate certain hormones and can cause emotional and physical disorders in your mind and body. You can avoid these toxins by opting for more “organic” products and foods.

There you have it! There are proven natural methods to increase the size of breasts and it isn’t impossible to increase your breast size naturally. There is an inexpensive guide that you can use to make your breasts larger. This guide is available in a PDF and you can download it anytime. It can solve all your smaller breasts problems. All of the above mentioned natural methods about how to get bigger boobs naturally have been discussed in detail in a self-help guide. If you want to know more solid ways to get bigger breasts naturally within a month or 2 in this guide, I’d recommend you this self-help guide. I have personally used this guide and I can you my personal guarantee that it 100% works. After a month or 2 (depends upon the type of your body and your input), you’ll see a significant change in your breasts. It is available at only $37, get it now! 

How to get bigger breasts or how to increase my breast size?

It is understandable that women and especially teenagers in the USA (and elsewhere in similarly affected cultures) are very self-conscious about their breasts and many worry about their breast size. But the fact is, there is not much you can do to change your breast size - for smaller or bigger. Consider the following things that will NOT make your breasts bigger:

• There is NO food that will make your breasts bigger.
• Exercising in general will not help much. Breasts do not have muscles. If you tone your chest muscles that are underneath the breasts, the effect will be slight (see below for more).
• Sleeping position has no effect on breast size.
• Nor will wearing bras or not wearing bras.
• Rubbing or squeezing won't affect breast size.
• Nor do they get bigger when a woman starts having sex.

So what will affect breast size?

• Mainly your genes. Look to your mom, sisters, aunts - their breast size will usually give you an indication of your final breasts size.
• Breast growth during puberty is driven by two hormones, estrogen and progesterone. Hormonal imbalances could therefore affect breast growth.
• Breasts contain fat, so slim and thin people often (not always) have smaller breasts than overweight/obese people.
• If you gain weight overall, some of that fat goes to your breasts. Exception: it is possible in certain situations to only gain fat in your waist area or abdomen (pot belly). But if you're overweight in general, with fat all over, then losing weight WILL cause your breasts to be somewhat smaller since you will lose fat from all over your body. Anorexic girls typically have very very small breasts.
• An actual injury (like cutting) to the breast bud may prevent the breast from developing right.
• Breasts WILL grow during pregnancy and stay bigger during breastfeeding. Once you start the wean, even partially, breasts will diminish in size because there is less demand for milk. After total weaning, breasts will usually go back to pre-pregnancy size (though sometimes they end up smaller than pre-pregnancy).
• Breast augmentation surgery is the only sure way, but undermines your ability to FULLY breastfeed, and can often have SERIOUS health effects.
• Birth control pills containing estrogen sometimes make one's breasts larger as a side effect. This does not happen to everyone taking the pill though.
• The various herbal pills for breast enhancement, it's hard to say... They seem to be effective for some women, and often not. 
• What about taking extra estrogen? Theoretially this might work. BUT if you are a woman, taking extra estrogen on top of what your own body already produces will definitely increase your breast cancer risk, may cause nasty PMS, and other unwanted side-effects as well.
• Toning/exercising the pectoral muscles: If you really get the muscle under the breast to grow bigger, that DOES have a slight effect on the overall appearance of your chest, and can make the breast appear a tiny bit bigger. Read the words of one female softball pitcher:
  "I have been a serious softball pitcher for the past 10 years of my life and for this reason my right breast is much harder and feels more muscular than my left and is also more perky (I pitch with my right arm in a windmill motion). The difference is not incredible, but it is certainly noticeable. Also, a lot of my friends are softball players and other pitchers have the same issue."
  How much exercise is needed for this is an open question. So it is possible to "push" your breasts out a little by building up your pectoral muscles (inclined/declined/flat pushups). Technicallly it is an illusion since the breasts don't get any bigger.
• The bra industry has created numerous breast enhancer things such as silicone enhancers, gel-filled bras, padded bras etc. to create the illusion of larger bust.
• BRAVA - a vacuum bra system that is supposed to induce breast tissue growth by applying a steady vacuum pressure, but apparently does very little. The website BRAV-ARGH! (now defunct) had many failure stories by women who tried it.