Darling,
I know how difficult things have gotten—how cold and raw your days have become. And I have never loved you more than I do today.
Because I know where you are. The shame that melts through you when
you see the jeans you bought because they only had them a size too
small, and your friend said that would just motivate you. Wanting to go
to the gym but feeling like you'll have to run through a gauntlet of
stares, snickers, and side comments. (And what would you even wear?)
Considering the supplement from Dr. Oz that is clearly a hoax, but
you've tried everything else.
Dressing impeccably every day for
your own security. Laughing too loudly at jokes about fat people so no
one mistakes you for one. Feeling anxious when you order food in public,
because if you order pasta, everyone around you will think "how sad,"
of course, and if you order vegetables everyone around you will think
"but what a shame she let herself get that way." Forcing a smile when
someone tells you that you "wear it well." Then wondering why you feel
so deflated after compliments like that.
Convincing yourself
that you're fine—you don't have to go to the doctor. Remembering how the
nurse grimaces apologetically when she announces she's going to have to
weigh you, as if that didn't happen every time. The familiar
disappointment in the doctor who bypasses an examination and just tells
you to lose weight.
The racing heart when you board an airplane.
Making yourself as small as possible in the seat, breathing shallowly
and keeping your arms and legs crossed for all five hours. Spending your
whole vacation praying that someone won't complain about having to sit
next to you on the flight back.
Crying in the car after a family
gathering when one family member brings up lap band surgery and another
asks if you shouldn't just pass on the potatoes. The way the whole room
gets silent after those comments.
You've learned to break the tension. The moment passes. Later, you think about dying.
Consoling
your thin friend, insisting, "You're not fat!" while she cries about
becoming a size 10, saying pretty soon she'll have to shop in plus size
stores. Letting your partner talk shit about your body because he's got a
point—right? And his reminders are going to help you finally get thin.
Quietly planning your days, weeks, and life around avoiding these
everyday situations that throw you into a tail spin. The heavy, humid
smog of shame that settles into your life and lungs. The steady,
puttering engine of anxiety. Breathing that tightens a little every day.
And then, one day, you wake up and think the unthinkable:
You might just be fat.
After
all the money, time, worry, distraction, and shame of trying every
program, pill, regimen, and trainer under the sun, it might just not
happen. You might not lose 10, 20, or 50 pounds. This might just be the
body you have.
The thought is terrifying. Because you have to
let go of the dream of that body that just isn't yours and might never
be. Because so many of your relationships, so much of your money, and so
much of your time are tied up in trying desperately to lose weight, all
of it, as quickly as you can. And if you're not constantly chasing
after a smaller body, who are you? And who would take you seriously?
It's
terrifying because all you've heard all your life is how awful it is to
be fat. Fat is the moral to the story. It is the worst case scenario.
Fat means being isolated, alone, lazy, weak-willed. It means being ugly
and unloved.
Fat means giving up. Fat means that the side
comments and overt aggression from strangers, family, friends, and
doctors—all of that continues.
But you don't deserve that
treatment. No one does. You don't deserve the well-intentioned bullying
of family members who insist that they're only acting out of concern for
you. Your body doesn't entitle partners to belittle and abuse you. Your
weight doesn't mean you deserve to be condescended, shamed, or ignored
at the doctor's office. Having a fat body doesn't mean that anyone can
treat you however they want.
And now, my darling, you can grieve. Get sad. Mourn the body you don't
have—not because it's better, but because you've held onto the idea of
it for so long. Cry for the cruel, insensitive things people have said
to you.
Get angry that the doctor wouldn't run any tests because he said you
just needed to lose weight, and then let your symptoms get so much
worse. Laugh at the absurdity of thin people eating nachos while they
lecture you about going to the gym.
Purge yourself of the
terrible things people have said and done, the deep sadness that has
weighed on you for so long, the anxiety and frustration and isolation.
It doesn't deserve your time.
Then feel the extraordinary
lightness in your body. Feel the weight lift from your shoulders, feel
your brow unfurrow, drink in a real, deep breath.
You are fat. And you can move on.
It
can be hard to know who you are if you're not always thinking and
talking about losing weight. You might feel adrift. But that feeling is a
precursor to the most divine liberation. It is the glimmer of fiery sky
before the sunrise. It is a new day, and now the world is yours.
You
can buy clothing that fits who you are. You can buy clothing that fits!
Buy things that you want to wear: bright colors and cap sleeves and
drop waists and short skirts. Break fashion rules. Experiment. Get
bright. Get weird! Find out what your style is, beyond the endless rules
set forth for you by people who hate their bodies as much as you used
to hate yours.
You can find other fat people, or trans people, or people with
disabilities, or intersex people, new friends who are also thinking
dangerous thoughts. Who are realizing that shame doesn't help them get
happy, healthy or grounded. Who are nurturing the voice in the back of
their head that says that person might not have a point. They might just
be a jerk.
My grandmother used to say, "Just because someone
throws you the ball doesn't mean you have to catch it." You can learn to
drop the ball.
You can come out as fat. Tell your friends, your
family, strangers at the grocery store, whoever you want. Practice
saying it before anyone else can. Over time, it will come more
naturally. Over time, their comments will hurt less, because you know
your worth, and you know that it isn't determined by simply having a fat
body.
You can travel, learn to roller skate, buy a f*cking
bikini! Tell someone that you like them, that you want to date them or
sleep with them. Start swimming laps at the Y, because you're a great
swimmer, and it makes you so happy. You can do what you want, because
what other people say is on them. You know who you are, and part of who
you are is fat. What else can they say?
You can advocate for
yourself. Respond to the doctor who says that you wouldn't have so many
ear infections if you weren't fat. Ask your aunt to stop talking about
Jenny Craig. Tell that asshole at the bar that you wouldn't fuck him,
either. You can get what you need.
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